Hungry Duck
One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.
"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.
"No we don't got any duck food."
"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food?" he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!"
"Fine." the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?"
By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No we don't got nails."
"Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"
Tickle Me Elmo
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
Famous Weather Man
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?" To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
Farmers Daughters
Ok, there's a farmer and he has 3 teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there.
Farmer: Hi. Can I help you?
Boy: Yeh... My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna' see a show, Can she go?
Farmer: Well, of course, but she's not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait.
Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and there's another teenage boy out on the porch.
Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?
Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?
Farmer: No she's not but you can join Joe on the sofa.
About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town.
Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens.
When he opens the door, there's another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.
Farmer: Let me guess, you're here to see one of my daughters.
Boy#3: Yeah... My name is Chuck....
BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
A Man With a Wink
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
The Pope Comes to America
The Pope comes to America. Of course, he's very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily.
One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.
Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!
Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me.
Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist.
P: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.
The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper.
The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.
Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for a Streeck traffic violation but I don't know what to do.
Gov: Who do your have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. I'll straighten this out.
Trooper: No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person in the world!
Gov: Well, who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. Diplomatic immunity is a very sacred thing you know.
Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world.
Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?
Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!
Swinging Mars Couple
A couple from Mars lands on the earth and soon meet up with an earth couple.
They hit it off so well and begin asking questions and learning about life on each other's planets. Eventually, the conversation turns to the question of sex. Each couple tries to explain how they mate, but they find it somewhat difficult to explain.
Neither can understand what is being described so one of the ladies suggests they switch partners for an evening so they can get a better understanding.
The earth woman and Mars man go into the bedroom and they undress.
The earth woman says "Gee, you're small".
The Mars says "no problem" and hits his forehead and he grows longer.
The earth women is amazed and says "not bad".
The Mars man hits his forehead again and grows even longer.
The earth woman is pleased but says "It's kind of narrow"
The Mars man pulls on his ears and get thicker.
The earth woman says "Not Bad".
The mars man pulls on his ears and gets even thicker.
The earth woman is now so pleased, so they get busy with the act.
The following morning the two couples meet in the lobby and the earth man asks his wife how it went.
She says "It's the best I've ever had. How about you?"
The earth man says "My head hurts so bad. She kept hitting me on the forehead and pulling on my ears."
Talking Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Three Ducks Bagged
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
I Want a Bicycle
A little boy lived with his mother. His dad had left them when he was still an infant, (doesn't sound funny yet. Yes. I know) and now he was approaching his sixth birthday, never having known what it's like to have a father, to have a man around the house. Naturally, this was on his mother's mind, too. She had been without a partner for years, and was lonely, sometimes very depressed about it.
At the stroke of midnight, one night, the little boy was awakened from his sleep by sounds coming from his mother's room. He got up and went down the hall, opened the door a crack and saw his mother, standing in front of the mirror, naked, her arms spread out to her sides. She was so intensely involved in what she was doing she didn't even see him. She repeated over and over into the mirror, "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!"
A little confused, but very curious, the boy went back to bed. The next night, once again, at exactly midnight, he was awakened, and padded down the hallway to find his mother, again, nude, facing the mirror, "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!!"
He's no fool. He starts to set his alarm for midnight so he won't miss anything. But this next night, when he's awakened by his alarm and sneaks down the hallway, he hears his mom and some unfamiliar male voice coming from behind her bedroom door. This had never happened before. It scared the stuffing out of him. He ran back to his room and hid under the blankets. When he awoke in the morning, and came downstairs for breakfast, he found his mother sitting at the table with a strange man. She introduced them to each other; he sat there eyeing this man, trying to figure things out. After a while, his mommy showed her new friend to the door, kissed him goodbye, and sent him on his way. This was not lost on the little boy. And that night, he set his alarm for midnight, again.
When the alarm awakened him, he got up, stripped naked, and tiptoed down the hall where he positioned himself directly in front of his mother's mirror. He stretched his arms out wide, looked straight into the glass, opened his little mouth and cried out, "I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle!!"
Great Salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
Faithfull Cat
Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat. And one day, a guy ran over the cat with his horse drawn carriage. So, the man went to the old woman and said.
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.
"So how good are you at catching mice?"
Signing the Declartion
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He said, "Damn if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
Bell Ringer Wanted
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
That's the Ugliest Baby
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Dirty Bird
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
The Terrible Two
Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.
They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. He agreed to see them, but only one at a time.
The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him, "Where is God?" in a mild voice.
The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again, "Where's God?" The boy again just sat there.
The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?'
Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong.
The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Upset Lawyer
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
Penguins
A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.
The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"
To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."
Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.
The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.
The cop, really pissed off this time, says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"
The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"